Begin Your Life Again After a Loved One has Committed Suicide
For every suicide—almost 32,000 annually in the U.S.—there are an average of
six survivors left behind to cope with complex feelings of shock, grief,
anger, guilt, and the terrible question “Why?”
In fact, experts rank the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide as
“catastrophic,” similar to surviving a concentration camp experience.
If you are one of the 5 million Americans who have lost a loved one to
suicide, you may ask yourself how you will get over it. The truth is…you
won’t. But you can get through it in your own time and in your own way. You
can begin to live your life again and restore your emotional well-being.
Reaching out to people who can help you is an important first step in the
healing process. In fact, often, the longest journey begins with a single
step. Don’t go through it alone.
Is Suicide a Choice?
Suicide is different from other deaths because the persons we love seem to
have chosen death over a wealth of better alternatives. In reality, the goal
of suicide is release from pain, not release from life. But this ultimate
choice—based on the victim’s distorted perspective of the problems—leaves
survivors with overwhelming feelings of grief, helplessness, and
powerlessness.
What You May Be Feeling
• Guilt.
“Shouldn’t I have been able to prevent
the suicide?” The answer is no, you are not to blame in any way.
Repeat this to yourself again and again and write it down. In truth, the
victim is the only person responsible for the suicide. Guilt is a
barrier to healing.
• Anger. “How could he/she do
this without warning or asking for help?
” Rage is the deepest part of the five stages of grieving (denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.) For suicide survivors,
it’s even more confusing because the person we have lost is also the
murderer of the one we have lost.
• Isolation and disconnection.
It’s easy to retain happy memories when a loved one dies a natural
death, but as a suicide survivor, we are often left to deal alone with
conflicted feelings. That’s why it’s important to reach out for help.
• Stigma. Because suicide is so
misunderstood, people may make insensitive remarks, judge, blame, or
fail to mourn with you, the way they would for other deaths. Ignore them
and lean on people who care.
Signs & Symptoms of Suicide
• Mental disorders:
particularly depression and other mood disorders, schizophrenia, anxiety
disorders, and certain personality disorders.
• Alcohol and other substance abuse.
• Hopelessness.
• Impulsive or aggressive tendencies.
• History of trauma or abuse.
• Some major physical illnesses.
• Previous suicide attempt.
• Suicide death of family member/loved one.
• Job or financial loss.
• Divorce or death of spouse.
• Relationship or social loss.
• Access to lethal means.
• Legal trouble/IRS trouble.
• Academic/social failure in school.
• Lack of social support and sense of isolation.
• Stigma associated with help-seeking effort.
• Barriers to accessing health care, especially mental health and
substance abuse treatment.
• Certain cultural and religious beliefs.
• Exposure to, including through the media, and influence of other who
have died by suicide.
What You Can Do Right Now
1. Confront your
pain. Let out your feelings. Cry as often as you need to and talk to
anyone who is willing to listen with a compassionate ear. Pain grows
silently when it is buried, often coming out years later in devastating
ways. Work through your pain now.
2. Attend a support group. Other suicide survivors know what you are
going through. They are compassionate and can help you heal. (The
American Association of maintains a list of California support groups by
city).
3. Accept your “backslides.” Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays…even
coming across a special photo…can trigger intense feelings. This is
normal and expected, but also temporary, so keep backslides in
perspective.
4. Take care of yourself. Guard your physical and emotional health.
Making a commitment to ease your pain and that of those around you is
the one way you can still help the person you have lost.
5. Find a therapist with grief training. A qualified therapist can
travel through your pain with you towards healing; assess whether
medication will help with sleep or depression; and connect you to
resources for recovery.
Articles:
[PDF Files]
Older Adults at Greatest Risk for Suicide
Suicide Prevention
Teen Mental Health Check Up
Reference Material: [PDF
Files]
Finding Peace After Tragedy: Self-care for the Suicide Survivor
Is
Your Child Okay? Evaluating Mental Health Disorders in Children
Helpful Resources:
American Association of Suicidology
www.suicidology.org
California Department of Mental Health
www.dmh.cahwnet.gov
Suicide
(800) SUICIDE
(800) 784-2433
www.suicide.com
Content Credit:
Suicide Prevention Advocacy Network (SPAN)-California
www.spanusa.org
